new website let's go!!! i really hope i won't forget about it after a few days. i still need new ideas to make new pages. i'm looking forward to it though.
i really wanna add my twitter here but i don't want some of my close people to see it. if i add it, you might realize why.
i did add it after all lol. i was and my grandparents house all day. it kinda sucked.
my girlfriend came over for a sleepover today :D we just finished baking some apple-pie like something. we plan to also play deltarune later but i unfortunately ragequit too many times before and probably will still ragequit many times.
we just came back from a walk. we almost got attacked by some dogs. we also saw a group of teenage cyclists. to be honest i was kinda scared they're gonna throw rocks at us but they luckily didn't even reach us lol. we went to the place we also went to some time before. "the sunflowers will keep our memory forever". i still remember saying that. i'll link a photo in the "photos" category.
ehwhdhfkeag today was a long day. i forgot what we did in the morning. that reminds me (pun intended i guess), i remember saying "i want to forget everything" once. i really regret saying that because i do actually forget everything now and it really sucks. anyway we finished chapter 2 of Deltarune. ohh right, after that we went to shop some clothes since we're gonna go to Greece soon with my family and my cousin. we had to walk around for hours so safe to say i'm pretty tired now lol.
this website kinda feels like those steriotypical blogs in english textbooks. i guess it's a diary-like something anyway. i'm not really writing my thoughts here though, mostly only what happened during the day. i wanna write my thoughts. i wanna keep this as my own diary. but unfortunately i don't think people would appreciate my suicide jokes much though so plan ruined i guess lol.
i'm starting to be really scared that my parents will find out i'm dating my so-called "best friend". and i don't know why my cousin hates her. i don't really understand why she hates most of my (past) friends at all. anyway we made some more apple-pie like something. here's the recipe. i swear it's really good.
i ended up sleeping at my cousin's place last night. we had fun but it was basicly like any other time. either way, i just arrived home. i'm having breakfast as i'm writing this.
i wanna insert some section where anyone can anonymously send me messages. i don't know how though lol.
now i know how. i added my strawpage to the socials section. please please please if you see this, at least send me a hello :( though it's gonna take me a while to see it. some moderation team has to look at it for no reason at all
i found out my enneagram today. 6w5 469 so/sp. whatever that means lol. it seems really accurate though. i like personality tests because labels make me have a sense of identity. i can't really decide my mbti though. i can't decide whether i'm an INFJ, INTJ or INTP. everywhere i read, it reassures me that i'm an INFJ but then i get unsure of myself because i don't feel like a feeler anymore. or idk. human personalities are really complicated
sorry for not writing yesterday. i was busy pretty much all day. it's notable that i had a slight mental breakdown last night though. i'm getting better and i hate it out of my pure guts. there's such comfort in being emotionless. a life full of melancholy is a life i want to experience. i desperately need to get worse. i need to get worse i need to get worse i need to get worse i need to get worse. i don't look like myself. i recognize myself in the mirror but it's just not me. i think the pain receptors in my left arm are a bit worn out compared to my right. needless to say, i relapsed after 12 days of not self-harming. probably the longest in a while? i was kinda worried last night that my arms will get bruised but they luckily didn't. i want cuts on my arm. i want to be seen as mentally ill. i don't look like it though and am probably not mentally ill either. i want to be. i want to be seen. i want to be at my lowest point again and even lower. i don't wanna kill myself anymore. or at least i couldn't kill myself even if i wanted to. i know guilt doesn't transfer to the afterlife, even if there is, but there's still something holding me back. something i wish didn't even exist in the first place. i can't say exactly what, but there's something out there. that reminds me, i also made a promise to myself. i've been wearing a safety pin necklace recently. i don't know if anyone even cares though. probably not. i'm only a spec of dust in the universe after all, just like everyone else. i don't believe in god. i think it's just a made up facade.
i don't really know what to write today, so i guess i'll just share whatever's on my mind. i wanna make myself a new personality. i mean, not to completely replace the current me, just to live beside me. i hate that i'm getting better. if i just let a part of me stay like just, just so the more important people don't worry about me as much, then i can make the other part get as worse as i want to. i'm gonna name the personalities separately. since everyone knows me as Haruka by now, i'll let the "sane"-er or whatever one keep that. i just don't know how to name the fucked up me. i've been thinking of "Hikari" since it's similar but i'm second guessing myself. Hisoka maybe? i don't wanna name it as some popular anime character. Sayoko... i'll think about that. i just need to figure out the current me, what i'm like. i think i'm gonna also keep a section for this specifially.
i now have a rough idea for Kagome. and here's also Haruka. i think i might be going insane. i can feel my mind is rotting.
i'm so sorry for not writing for i think over a week :( i was on vacation in Greece and didn't really have internet. i promise to tell everything tomorrow and also upload some photos onto the photos section :3
i'm so glad my laptop works. it's been really glitchy for the past few weeks. i think the screen is half-broken or something. AND I'M FINALLY HOME AFTER A 16 HOUR DRIVE HOLY FUCKING SHIT
i wake up on another morning. and my laptop also decided not to hate me and turn on. okay anyway where do i even start.
monday: we left. we drove to some random city on the very south side of the country and slept there. both me and my cousin got some kind of sugary candy at the place we stayed and i joked around that they were drugs lol. tuesday: i don't remember much. we drove to the apartment we stayed at in Greece. i had to wake up at 4 AM :/
this is getting a bit boring and i'm sure no one wants to read about what happened each day. in summary, it was really fun, i swam in the sea pretty much every day. on the last day i even went in fully clothed just because my swimsuit was already packed away. my cousin somehow got a cold already on the first day. on about friday i realized i wasn't actually feeling anything i seemed i was and had an identity crisis. almost blocked everyone for no reason at all, but then i remembered the people i would've blocked could still talk to me through my cousin. what else what else... i texted some boy who i used to talk to back in december for also no reason at all (quite contradicting myself here). i don't know how to make friends. talking to me is probably not too fun. i also almost broke up with my girlfriend mid-identity crisis because she actually deserves way better than a pathetic slop of mess. i can't even feel affection anymore. i hope things will work out though since i really love her. oh wow, while writing this, i just realized i exist and am in the moment. what was i thinking i was doing all along then??? anyway i ate a bunch of squid lol. i should probablly try to diet since i definetly gained weight. (highlighting the definetly because my scale ran out of batteries so i can't check for sure)
i'm not too good of a person, to say the least. i make others worry, ignore them, say things i shouldn't, i lie, refuse to listen to them if it's not what i want to hear. in the end, people only want to hear the truth and want you to be "you" if it's convinient enough for them. if it doesn't just pile another worry onto their mind. if you're okay. everyone's the same. same replies, same feelings, same bones and flesh. but what if you're not okay? you have the decision whether to tell them the truth or not. what we say and our feelings will be gone in less than 100 years, so why does it matter? why bother telling them the truth? but also why bother lying to them? contradicting questions fill the universe. every decision you make greatly changes your fate, no matter how small it seems. the tea or coffee you drank this morning, taking the bus or going by car or even going at all, talking to that one person or not. you never know what'll happen later on. maybe you were lucky to take the bus, becuase your car was going to break down and vice versa. and maybe your car did break down, even though you were already running late. you might think these are just "small inconveniences" that happen. they might change your life. but no matter what happens, only life and death are certain. aren't i also contradicting myself? i just said nothing matters a few lines ago. why am i suddenly saying everything matters? that's something the reader has to figure out on their own.
a thing i wonder about is why i end everything with some kind of humor. everything i said just now could be passed off as actual, maybe terrible, but some kind of advice. it's quite literally just deleting the value of everything i just said. it's extremely annoying.
randomly cutting off and blocking people is fun. i'm definetly not just saying that because i blocked my best friend.
i think i might be going insane but after 2 FUCKING HOURS i can finally put python code locally. if you, dear reader, know anything about python, you might figure out it doesn't take 2 hours to do such small task. to that i say it took me 2 hours because i also installed linux mint on a random old mini pc my dad had. that alone took over an hour because i first had to enter the boot menu just to see what was in it, but the keyboard was broken, so i had to get a different one. then when i had the installer on an usb, it still didn't work because i forgot to format it before it. so i had to reinstall the iso file on the usb. then the stupidass mini pc didn't want to boot into the usb, so i wasted another 30 minutes with that. then, after everything worked and the os was installed, i restarted the pc and it said "operating system not found". FUCK YOU MEAN, "NOT FOUND"?? IT WAS THERE A FEW MOMENTS AGO. but anyway then i realized it didn't work because i previously removed the hard drive from bootable devices to be able to boot into the usb. all i had to do was to put it back onto the list. at this point, i was glad that i at least could have linux on it. you, dear reader, could also be wondering why i wanted to use a different pc and linux on it (because it previously already had windows on it). to that i say, i want to try out linux as it is. it also has much more privacy and i'm really interested in coding (hence i created this website), so linux would be a good point to try it out. so anyway, i couldn't figure out how to change the directory i'm in for 10 minutes (bare minimum btw) so i also wasted a lot of time on that. i still don't really understand but i can always learn more in the process. i previously already tried out linux but only the surface. i didn't even dare to enter the terminal. i wanted 10 more minutes on installing vim because it didn't work for some reason??? and i also think i installed it to the wrong directory but whatever. it is what it is. i also had problems with writing the code at all because i couldn't navigate the writing program or whatever. so, in the end, i now know how to write and run code. what's left is to learn python as a whole.
gosh fucking dammit. i actually meant that i'm not a good person...
isolation is quite hell of a drug. i'm kinda scared of the next school year. i don't know why will happen, when will happen, where will happen, who will happen, but i know what will happen. probably a lot of suffering. i just absolutely can't fucking wait to have to talk to my so called "friends" i haven't talked to in months. those people have no sense of boundaries, and being the people-pleaser i am, i can't tell them either. i tell them to not talk to me anymore and somehow we talk as if we'd be best fucking friends in two weeks. but anyway i tried not texting first today. only my girlfriend asked me multiple times how i'm doing and my other friend (i guess??) sent a heart for my good morning text. as much as how fun it is to talk to him, he takes 10 fucking business days to reply. it is what it is, i just randomly texted him at night after all. i didn't even expect a reply. so now how can i expect him to actually want to talk to me? i feel like i'm forcing him but it's also a change to not be pressured to talk to someone a lot. after a while, no matter who it is, it gets a bit annoying and makes me feel "trapped" or something. i can't really describe it. i wonder if the people i talk to even watch my website. please please please tell me if you do. it's something i can't explain but there's a sort of comfort in not talking to anyone. though i know i can't do that. there are some people i have to talk to, otherwise they'll worry for no reason at all.
i wish i could just delete both tiktok and youtube because i've fallen in the trap of doomscrolling and it's getting extremely annoying. i'm not an extreme case but it's still annoying to know that i could be doing literally anything else yet i choose to rot my time away. i did delete them after all.
to be honest i don't know what to write today. i haven't really done anything. i created 3 new ocs if that counts? played Genshin, pjsk, and wanted to start a skit on Gacha Life but my phone died. today's a boring day lol.
whenever i eat i get this really awful feeling afterwards for absolutely no reason at all. i don't understand why.
after hours of looking for prod.keys and firmware for a switch emulator yesterday, i found it today in 5 fucking minutes. needless to say, i have no idea why i set up an emulator if i already have a perfectly working switch myself. piracy is cool though.
i want friends but also don't. i'm not the type of person to bear with not talking to anyone, though these days that's exactly what i want to do. i know i can't do that. i don't trust anyone. yes, i'll still vent and say stupid shit but they don't mean much to me. the same rehearsed scripts over and over. "i'm doing fine", "i love you too", after a while, they just lose meaning. i'm stuck in a place where i don't even know what i want. everything's just piling up onto eachother and i can't do anything about it. i feel empty. i'm not in the mental place to be dating anyone. i don't want my partner to have to worry about that i'm going to randomly leave them because of some kind of mental breadown or self-sabotaging ritual. i can't tell her though because i'm apparently the only person she trusts. she even said she doesn't really want to make friends anymore. i feel trapped. but then i'm also a hypocrite, because then why did i text someone i haven't talked to in months to be friends again? i can't even block him because it would just end up awkward. someone please just actually kill me i don't want to have to do any of this anymore. i'm a terrible girlfriend. will anyone ever actually understand me and love me as i am though?
literally how can pinching myself somewhere leave a bruise what the fuck
